Complicated

I know I've kind of half-jokingly said things like “It's complicated” to describe our situationship… Or when answering people in unsentletters when they ask why I can't just tell you how I feel. It's admittedly a throwaway answer, a cop-out, a deflection, an “I don't really want to talk about it right now” answer.

It's also true. So awfully true.

I mean, true enough… parts of it are so amazingly simple… like… I just love you. That's simple. I love you. Easy to explain. I know I spill a million words trying to describe it sometimes but really… those three words say it all.

But we each still exist in our own separate, if now slightly overlapping, webs of social connections. Friends. Family.

I know you understand.

I'm trying to find a way to express this that's sensitive, that isn't… unkind, unhealthy, uncouth… or something… and failing. But…

It's difficult to continue to have romantic feelings for a person who seems to take no interest whatsoever in your happiness and well-being, and seemingly has no interest in changing that even when it's been brought to their attention on a number of occasions over more than half a decade.

But that doesn't mean you don't still have love for that person, even if that love now takes a different form than perhaps it did a couple of decades ago. And so when they have a crisis… You have to be there for them. Right?

I'm ashamed to admit… last night when we were buying that flight for her… or even early this morning, as I was driving her to the airport hours before the sun even came up… there was a part of me that welcomed the break, welcomed the idea of getting to be solo-dad for a few days. Welcomed the thought of being able to spend my early evenings out front, hoping to see my favorite neighbor go walking by, without having to worry about being called in…

But the reality is settling in, and I realize that that wasn't the right reaction. At all.

Even if she's merely my closest friend now, I have to be there for her. And I will be.

But please don't take this as a retreat… As with all things, this too shall pass. Hopefully, the work she's doing right now will get the proper care structures into place and provide relief for everyone involved. And when it does pass… hopefully it'll be with the best possible outcome. But it's going to be rough. And, sadly… I know you understand that, too.

I love you, my love. I know you aren't reading these, but if you were… please don't take it the wrong way if my flurry of writing from last month dwindles a bit over the next week or two… I'm still here. I still love you. I'm still always thinking of you and looking forward to getting to spend time with you again in a week and a half. I may even still be out front watching for you most evenings, hoping for that famous smile & wave… Or even a chat, if I could be so lucky… But it's just…

Well. It's just complicated, sadly.

Yours,
♒️